The Lord has revealed to me some serious deficits of selfishness and entitlement in my sons' characters as a result of this Publix incident. Their behavior was atrocious. It started with the cookie counter. Their free cookie is now DEMANDED by them instead of asked for politely from the bakery worker. (Even as I wrote that word DEMANDED in capitals it was like a dagger staring back at me in a mirror) You can barely hear their muffled and quiet, "Thank you," ask they shove the cookies greedily into their mouths.As we shopped up and down the aisles there were more DEMANDING shrieks as they spotted each plasticky, piece-of-junk, toy package hung every so delibrately right at their eye level. When I said, no Hunter even went as far as to say, "I NEVER get any toys. I don't have enough toys at home!!! Humph!" (insert big pouty face and crossed arms here.)
Nathanael proceeded to scream in a tantrum for every little thing that he wanted. When we got to the register they had balloons for the kids and Hunter says to me, "I want a balloon!" So I say, "Ask the cashier politely, Hunter...remember to say, please...." So then he says, "Give me a balloon!!" To the cashier. This REALLY, REALLY bothers me!!! In my hurried attempts to get out of there due to Nathanael's further escalating meltdown when I tied the balloon to his race car cart steering wheel, I let my kids have the balloons.
After I got settled into the car and gave Nathanael a couple of little swats I realized the error in my allowing them to have the balloons after their behavior. I tried as best I could to explain to Hunter his total lack of gratefulness and politeness in the store and to Nathanael the fact that he wasn't allowed to scream bloody murder when he doesn't get what he wants....and THAT's when I popped their balloons right in front of their crying little faces.
The Lord has convicted me ever since I became a parent to raise children who aren't selfish and ungrateful. I've always loved the part in Little House on the Prairie when the kids got a shiny penny and a candy cane for Christmas and were thrilled with their simple gifts. A little bit of a contrast then, to my "ThingsIWant" wishlist that I am diligent about keeping up for both of my boys...don't you think? What kind of a mixed message am I fooling myself with anyway?
The demands. The sense of entitlement. The selfishness. The ungratefulness. The lack of putting others needs before themselves.
Where on earth are they getting this from???
Besides the fact that they are born sinners in need of a Savior....Ummm....ME! They get it by watching ME! Sure...I might be able to come through for a friend now and then by watching their kids or making a meal or some other little task that makes me feel all good about myself.
But...where I suck at it is at home. Behind closed doors. Specifically, with my husband first. Then my children. I am a selfish, demanding, ungrateful wife who has a sense of entitlement with many things and rarely put my husband's needs before my own. THAT is where my kids are getting it from.
And, please, PLEASE spare me with the, "Oh, Teri, you're just being too hard on yourself."
BULL HONKEY!!!!!
Talk to my parents.
Talk to my husband.
Talk to my in-laws.
They are the ones that truly know me.
I have struggled with being a demanding and selfish little girl my entire life.
And I still am that same selfish, little girl even though I just happened to be in an adult's body. When I don't get what I want, I pitch a fit. An adult tantrum. Literally. Sometimes multiple times a day. I just did it the other day about a bathroom issue at our new/old house. Ask my husband if you don't believe me.I'M THE QUEEN!!!
All this to say...that I am so grateful that the Lord is using parenthood to reveal this deep-rooted sin in me. I am so grateful that it will be a lifelong, continual reminder as my sinful ways are clearly shown to me and reflected in my children's behavior. I feel like I'm just now starting to "get it."By the way...I can just see the big smile on my mom's face right now as she reads this and hear her saying, "FINALLY!!! I've been waiting this kid's whole life for her to wake up and realize this!"
DUDE.I am so wickedly selfish!
I need to start putting the needs of my husband and my kids before my own!!!
I need to get my butt off of the computer and off of the couch in my TV zone and let my husband enjoy them! Seriously. I monopolize the media outlets in my house so much that my husband has to wait till I go to bed to watch TV or get on the computer. Don't believe me? ASK HIM!
I need to have the self-discipline to get out of bed in the morning and send my husband off with a healthy breakfast so that he doesn't have to go to Subway to get it! (This is something I was okay at doing until daylight savings. I haven't fixed my husband breakfast once since daylight savings this weekend.)
I need to get off the computer when my children need me and make sure that they have a clean and tidy house to live in. I need to speak to them in a gentle and loving tone when they need something and I'm busy doing something self-indulgent (like computer or TV) instead of biting their heads off.
I need to start being an example of serving others to them! They need to see me serving their daddy first and foremost as his helpmate!!!
I NEED TO. I NEED TO. I NEED TO!!!!
But I can't. Not in my own strength. Only the Lord can. Only His grace and His Holy Spirit can do this good work in me. And be faithful to complete it.
And that is my prayer. As you read this I am praying that the Lord would give me grace to die to myself. Give me the power and continual presence of the Holy Spirit to complete this work in me. To allow me to stop this selfish, sinful, ungrateful behavior and show my family His love for them as I serve them and meet their needs before my own.
Let your light so shine before men that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven. Matt. 5:16
This is a verse that Hunter has memorized, but because I helped him I have memorized it too. I am so grateful for this verse being in my heart now. It's SOOO not about me. And my looking good because I'm trying to be a good wife and mother. It's about HIM. HIS GLORY.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh.....that felt better.
Before I go..I have one request. I really want to put what the Lord has revealed to me in action in a more tangible way for my kids. I told Hunter that I was going to pray for the Lord to show me some type of situation that we could get involved in with serving others. I want him to start doing that. I want him to see others in need and to use the gifts, talents, and health that the Lord has given him to serve.
I thought about this a couple of months ago and e-mailed the St. Matthew's house volunteer coordinator and never heard back.
And how do you balance it? How do you give your children things that you know they will enjoy and take them places that are super fun without fostering a sense of selfishness and entitlement???
Do you have any ideas? Thoughts? If so, please leave a comment. I'd really love to hear them!
11 comments:
Is there anyone down your street or near by that could use some help?We have a widow a few houses down and my girls have sort of adopted her. We make her cards throughout the year, and I'm hoping soon, to show up with some flowers to plant around her house (yeah...we'll see). It's not big and bad like the Saint Mathew's house...but maybe just one person you can sort of adopt would be a good starting point.
Hey cuz,
The Lord definitely gives us the children we have to further sanctify us...they are such good mirrors. I see a lot of the same things in myself and also struggle with balancing things. I think it was in Sheperding a Child's Heart where he talks about trying to teach our children that the only life worth living is the one that glorifies Him, but then we cater to their desire for things and excitement...I also struggle with this. Pray for wisdom, there is no magic formula of time break-down, and if some author had one it wouldn't necessarily be God's plan for your family. I am trying to learn to hear the Lord's wisdom and respond throughout my day. I think it just has to be a moment by moment dependence upon Him. Serving outside the home is great, but they can also learn to help mommy serve the family. Much grace to you, Tracy
my dear, Try to remember your realization that you don't show the grace you want to AT HOME. Michelle's idea about a neighbor might be good, because they will grow to know that person as time goes on. (maybe a lawn mower guy at the school, since neighbor stuff has changed for you). St M's is great- but it is not in an environment that will attach itself to your "home life" for your kids. I expect since home is their safe environment, they may need to see this kind of thing there instead of out.
I recently went to a marriage seminar, and it discussed LOVE and RESPECT. Saying women need LOVE, and men need RESPECT. I could go on for hours on how good the seminar was, but that is for another time. Look at scripture directives regarding a wife RESPECT her husband.... and as well, for a husband to Love his wife. If your children see these actions in you and your dh, you ARE showing it in the homefront, and they will follow course! (we hope) Seeing self flaws is tough. I applaud you in your strivings.
Mike and I recently went through the "Fireproofing your Marriage" seminar. I came to some of these same realizations myself. I applaud your honesty, difficult though it may be. I've been contemplating my own issues a lot lately. It can be so hard to see your own faults but I've been seeing mine plenty...and magnified in my own children as it goes, unfortunately. I will pray for you, and how about you pray for me? That God will parent through us, deal? -Heidi
I find it interesting you waited until you got in the car to pop those balloons. Were you afraid of what others would say if you had simply done it in the parking lot or outside of the store? I'm curious. It sounds like you're the one who needs a lesson in being grateful i.e. in your words-hogging the computer, throwing temper tanturms. One day someone will pop a balloon of yours-then see how you feel. If this truth hurts, maybe you should reevalutate your methods. While I appreciate your honesty, I can't get the image of your childrens faces in that car when you popped their balloon. They aren't trying to be malicious-they are being kids.
TO whoever "anonymous" is from 11:30 this AM, your words coming from behind a screen, seemed hurtful. Didn't you read the post? She WAS saying she saw it in herself, and that she was the one who needed to work on change. Unnecessary and just mean. Ter, proud you have taken steps to break the cycle!
I'm simply re-iterating what she already said, validating that, yes, I can see narcissim in you just like you said...how is that cruel? I think it's nothing short of cruel to inflict that on ANY child, but especially young ones. Recognizing your faults & posting it for all the world to see does not make what you did excusable, but when you post this for anyone to see, please be willing to take the good with the bad when it comes to comments. Thank you.
Well ANONYMOUS - how about revealing yourself. It's easy to sit on a high horse and lecturing others. I doubt you are a Mom.
I don't think you had to deal with 2 little kids going crazy in the store, unless you are Mary Poppins or the Supernanny.
I am Cory - Teri's cuz's wife and I have 2 little children doing the exact thing Teri's kids do. And I have to confess I would have done the same thing due to the fact of me being so very flustered and embarrassed about their behavior at the store.
I am not saying it is the right thing to do but I am saying we are all human beings and we make mistakes. It is impossible to reason with a 2 year old. You try, you beg, you bribe and when nothing works you are at the end of your wisdom. And you might end up doing something you would have not done under normal circumstances. Parenthood is extremely stressful at times.
It is Teri's blog - she can write what she wants to. And people have the right to comment since she has this feature enabled. However, it is easy to make a comment as an ANONYMOUS person - which I think is cowardly.
I very much enjoyed your thoughts Teri. Man- have I been there!!!The store, the kids, the frustration!!! I feel like I fail at some point everyday at being a good mother and wife! I loved your insight and I completely agree- complete and utter surrender to God and allowing him to change us is the only answer! The only thing good in me is HIM and only because of his love for me I am able to be anything good for my family! It is so hard as a mom of little kids to live up to what we think we need to be for them, it's so overwhelming at times. I think that we have this picture of what a perfect mom is and this perfect way we want to raise these perfect kids and then reality hits and... I'm not the perfect mom, I have no clue what I am doing some times and my kids are not perfect by any means. I am so afraid at times that I am going to screw them up for good. yikes!! I just want them to be confident, respectful, compassionate & caring people who love God with their whole hearts. So when I screw up I just admit it to them and I apologize and nothing can come between us. They forgive me and I forgive them and we do this because we understand grace. We have a perfect picture of it when we look at the cross. I thank God for that gift everyday. Yeah, we're selfish human beings, but he loved us and he's guiding us everyday and he promises us he will be there with us and will send his Comforter- the Holy Spirit to help us through our struggles! You are not alone my friend!!
I love what Cory and Chrystal said! Wow! You have great friends and fellow moms supporting and loving and praying for you, Teri. Chrystal said she feels like she fails every day in motherhood and I feel like I fail every ten minutes (with my thoughts, the ways I choose to spend my time, etc.)! You should print out some of these comments and save them for later.
Thank you for your kind and encouraging words, everyone! It's sounds so cliche, but it is SUCH a blessing to know I have such wise and supportive mommy friends! You guys ROCK!!!!!!!!!!
And, yes, Amanda...you're idea to print them out and refer to them is a great idea!
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